That being said the past few years have been increasingly more difficult to keep busy. There is very little performance opportunity in Canada alone, especially for headline acts. If you're just starting you can go anywhere.... I know. It doesn't make sense right? So this has given me a lot of time to let my brain run a muck + drive itself into a hole that has been near impossible to get out of. I did start other things to try to keep busy, like blood painting + web-camming but it wasn't enough to keep me satisfied + out of the deep dark woods. What you saw with The Pain Project was a desperate attempt to still BE a work of art at a time when I could do nothing but lay in bed + cry everyday. I'm actually proud of it. I managed to do something that, even for a second, put me back on my own track in my darkest of hours. It didn't help me at all but I'm still proud of it.
2014 was a difficult year but it had some highlights. The desperation of my depression reached such heights that I had tried every medication they could offer including adjunct meds, I had been to every psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist +counselor in the city + nothing was helping me but something inside was telling me to get off the meds all together. I knew it couldn't get any worse, I was already labelled "at risk of suicide" so I responsibly weaned myself off of the medication I was on against all advisory from my doctors. It helped. Not much but it did help. I had more + more days where maybe I couldn't do much but I didn't feel suicidal. The next highlight was the summer. Summer is always a good time but Michael + I had been off + on as we usually have been in May we decided to completely get back together, Another highlight was visiting Vancouver island. Paradise. Then seeing Lana Del Rey in concert. Then going back to Alberta packing up everything Michael + I owned putting it in a storage locker + hitting the road for a month. It was supposed to be 2 months but we got turned away at the border. This time Michael + I were turned away for not having a permanent address which is fair enough. We had enough of a car full enough that it wouldn't be completely far fetched that we'd be trying to move down there but it also makes complete sense that neither of us had to work for a few months + since we weren't paying rent it was the perfect time to hit the road. I really wanted to like this border patrol officer too... He was quite the looker + a good looking man in uniform is a beautiful thing. This was not a beautiful thing though + this officer decided not to give us the benefit of the extremely reasonable doubt so I'm forced to have a loathing in my heart for that jerkface. Regardless of how much I cried that day we did some beautiful photo shoots along the way, met up with some wonderful friends + made some new ones, including the wonderful, talented, + charismatic, Gorgeous Geordie, who's "it" factor is so strong that even as an underground artist Michael + I both wanted to get in on working with this hip hop genius who's just waiting to hit it big. We conceptualized the video over a few days + some things didn't pan out but with the help of some of our very close friends Russ Foxx, Amberlynn Walker + Ryan Stock, we managed to shoot the whole thing in one night. Well not the whole thing there were 2 other shots that were encorporated in later but it was truly amazing what we accomplished with what we had + it is what I am most proud of creating this year. We were in no rush to get home since we had nothing + no home to come home to, so we stopped at every beautiful + ridiculous roadside attraction on the way back. We finally got back + had to face the reality but we found a place to live, where we are now, out in the country. It's far from ideal, + very limiting but after bouncing around for some months it was nice to finally have a home. We went the first 3 weeks without internet, which doesn't sound that bad but it felt like forever. We don't own a TV + driving into town is an hour at very least, so we spent our time, unpacking, painting our vintage couches gold, decorating + organizing.
Soon after I got to perform my favorite show of the year, headlining, my hometown, Edmonton's 2nd Annual International Burlesque Festival alongside Waxie Moon + Iva Handful. It was such a wonderful weekend + what an honour to perform for all those other wonderful burliers who travelled from far + wide to share our stage. I did switch up my show a bit, it normally has different music + is a bit more artful + somber but I wanted to let lose + have fun so I turned it from a show about death + darkness to one about being a free bird... I think it worked and man did we party after. No one parties like strippers!
Then came our trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in November. We went for a little over a week. I was really excited to be there for day of the dead or "Dia de los Muertos" but was underwhelmed, there were no parades of sugar skull masked partiers in the streets, it wasn't raining flower petals everywhere, it was (pardon the pun)... dead. There were a few blocks decorated with alters + offerings but they weren't anything over the top. We did, however, go to the cemetery several days after the celebration to shoot + it was decorated with beautiful colourful religious decorations, floral arrangments, food offerings, as if the monuments themselves weren't beautiful enough. I was in awe. We weren't there long before it became almost unbearably hot to continue shooting in. It must be because of all the concrete or the reflecting off so much white + the entire place being surrounded by high, white, concrete walls, but it was easily 10-15 degrees hotter in that cemetery than outside of it + if you know me at all you know I'm one that rarely if ever complains of heat but sweating with a face full of makeup makes it even more uncomfortable. We got some beautiful shots though which we will show you all very soon.
The last couple months of 2015 were lackluster + trying. I have been doing a few things here + there. I have been writing poetry since I was a young teen + started writing again about 2 years ago although I haven't shown it, i do want to share it with you all in some kind of beautiful way, I may release it as a book or maybe spoken word recordings. I also began writing book of my true love stories. It's extremely erotic, personal + details the unique stories of every man I've been in love with in my life. I wish I could somehow release it only to people who didn't know me but I can't... lord lucifer help me if my mother reads the thing! I've only just begun though, I hope finish it this year.
2014 did show me something though, that I need stimulation + that act of being a work of art to survive. So after hitting another low, like winter usually does to me, I decided I need to get away + because I have some of the most beloved friends I could ever hope to have in Las Vegas right now, that's where I'm going. I'm so lucky to havea boyfriend that may not alway understand what i go through living the way I do but he understand enough to be happy to send me off for 2 months so that I can save my own life. I know that this trip alone is going to save me but it's a big step in the right direction. Hopefully being in Vegas will heed a couple road trips to LA to visit some of my other favourite people, too. Who knows where this trip will take me but I know that I'm going to be the woman I used to be + take every opportunity + adventure offered to me because being fearless is what has always lead me to my happiest moments. Being the one that believes what others would dismiss as "too good to be true", believing that amazing events, people, + situations come into my life because I am no ordinary person, I am an amazing person attracting other amazing experiences. I lost that for a long time but there's a beautiful bud inside me just waiting for a little bit of nurturing to fully bloom again + the winter of my life will be over again at least for a time,
All my love,