18.1.15

Poems: For Keeth: The Golden Man

Transcending this encarnation
And you are all around me
The golden man
Many lives we've spent crossing
Dimensions shift
and this planet's vibration forever changed
To be able to give it all
just to be in your presence
one more time
The golden man
Head to the stars
meet the aliens
And tell me what their ships look like
visit me in dreams
where the astral planes collide
So I can feel you

from time to time

15.1.15

Poems: The Portrait

With my wrist bound
in rope
you paint a picture 
of my heart
hang it on the wall
will it brighten 
will it bloom like a flower
as you grip my hair
and bring me to my knees
at your knees
where my soul finds salvation
dance with my synapses
find the balance
take the whole of me
my body is yours
you will destroy me 
and I will love you
as the marks begin to show
as the tears fall onto pale cheeks
as you bring me to my knees
there you will love me
and the painting of my heart
will bleed all over the room of our lives

-Madelina Horn

6.1.15

2014

  It seems about time I wrote again. My last post was at one of the darkest points in my life. I was constantly dissapointed in myself for not being able to get out of bed + create. I couldn't do it though. I slept so much that I barely ate. I lost a lot of weight from having no motivation to go to the grocery store, let alone cook anything. All I've wanted to do my whole life is be a living breathing work of art. I never craved to fit in. I always wanted to be the one everyone was staring at. It didn't matter if it was because they loved me or hated me, as long as they were looking. So that's what I became but somewhere along the way I had some mental issues building the the background that I didn't pay enough attention to. That led to my breakdown in early 2009 which also turned into one of the best years of my life because when I came out of my 3 month hole of insanity I had a new motivation to live, I remembered what I wanted + I once again went to work at making it happen + within a few short months I had learned aerial arts, performed many shows all over western Canada, headlined Montreal Fetish Weekend + performed The Playboy Mansion's Halloween party. The problem is that I never really recovered from the illness that lingered in my brain I just distracted myself from it so as soon as I had more than a month of downtime the horror started creeping back in but I was so busy, travelling constantly + it didn't have time to fully set in until 2012. That's the year I was flagged at the border + haven't performed the USA, my main market, since. I was flagged for performing which I had done + been honest about for year before that, I always had mass amounts of equipment with me + always told them what I was doing but no one ever said anything, told me I couldn't, or even batted an eyelash, One day I was at the border of Niagara Falls + Buffalo on my way to Florida when suddenly, I was help up, told everything I had been doing for years was wrong, accused of lying about things, accused of random strange things, fingerprinted in a small room, had some of my merchandise confiscated + had every alias I'd ever been known by recorded. I haven't been able to travel to the USA with so much as a business card since. I always get pulled into secondary, interrogated, searched, usually they call my friends in the US who I'm visiting. It's an anxiety attack waiting to happen. Some of you know this some of you probably have no idea why I stopped performing + touring the US. Well now you know.
  That being said the past few years have been increasingly more difficult to keep busy. There is very little performance opportunity in Canada alone, especially for headline acts. If you're just starting you can go anywhere.... I know. It doesn't make sense right? So this has given me a lot of time to let my brain run a muck + drive itself into a hole that has been near impossible to get out of. I did start other things to try to keep busy, like blood painting + web-camming but it wasn't enough to keep me satisfied + out of the deep dark woods. What you saw with The Pain Project was a desperate attempt to still BE a work of art at a time when I could do nothing but lay in bed + cry everyday. I'm actually proud of it. I managed to do something that, even for a second, put me back on my own track in my darkest of hours. It didn't help me at all but I'm still proud of it.
  2014 was a difficult year but it had some highlights. The desperation of my depression reached such heights that I had tried every medication they could offer including adjunct meds, I had been to every psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist +counselor in the city + nothing was helping me but something inside was telling me to get off the meds all together. I knew it couldn't get any worse, I was already labelled "at risk of suicide" so I responsibly weaned myself off of the medication I was on against all advisory from my doctors. It helped. Not much but it did help. I had more + more days where maybe I couldn't do much but I didn't feel suicidal. The next highlight was the summer. Summer is always a good time but Michael + I had been off + on as we usually have been in May we decided to completely get back together, Another highlight was visiting Vancouver island. Paradise. Then seeing Lana Del Rey in concert. Then going back to Alberta packing up everything Michael + I owned putting it in a storage locker + hitting the road for a month. It was supposed to be 2 months but we got turned away at the border. This time Michael + I were turned away for not having a permanent address which is fair enough. We had enough of a car full enough that it wouldn't be completely far fetched that we'd be trying to move down there but it also makes complete sense that neither of us had to work for a few months + since we weren't paying rent it was the perfect time to hit the road. I really wanted to like this border patrol officer too... He was quite the looker + a good looking man in uniform is a beautiful thing. This was not a beautiful thing though + this officer decided not to give us the benefit of the extremely reasonable doubt so I'm forced to have a loathing in my heart for that jerkface. Regardless of how much I cried that day we did some beautiful photo shoots along the way, met up with some wonderful friends + made some new ones, including the wonderful, talented, + charismatic, Gorgeous Geordie, who's "it" factor is so strong that even as an underground artist Michael + I both wanted to get in on working with this hip hop genius who's just waiting to hit it big. We conceptualized the video over a few days + some things didn't pan out but with the help of some of our very close friends Russ Foxx, Amberlynn Walker + Ryan Stock, we managed to shoot the whole thing in one night. Well not the whole thing there were 2 other shots that were encorporated in later but it was truly amazing what we accomplished with what we had + it is what I am most proud of creating this year. We were in no rush to get home since we had nothing + no home to come home to, so we stopped at every beautiful + ridiculous roadside attraction on the way back. We finally got back + had to face the reality but we found a place to live, where we are now, out in the country. It's far from ideal, + very limiting but after bouncing around for some months it was nice to finally have a home. We went the first 3 weeks without internet, which doesn't sound that bad but it felt like forever. We don't own a TV + driving into town is an hour at very least, so we spent our time, unpacking, painting our vintage couches gold, decorating + organizing.
Soon after I got to perform my favorite show of the year, headlining, my hometown, Edmonton's 2nd Annual International Burlesque Festival alongside Waxie Moon + Iva Handful. It was such a wonderful weekend  + what an honour to perform for all those other wonderful burliers who travelled from far + wide to share our stage. I did switch up my show a bit, it normally has different music + is a bit more artful + somber but I wanted to let lose + have fun so I turned it from a show about death + darkness to one about being a free bird... I think it worked and man did we party after. No one parties like strippers!
  Then came our trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico in November. We went for a little over a week. I was really excited to be there for day of the dead or "Dia de los Muertos" but was underwhelmed, there were no parades of sugar skull masked partiers in the streets, it wasn't raining flower petals everywhere, it was (pardon the pun)... dead. There were a few blocks decorated with alters + offerings but they weren't anything over the top. We did, however, go to the cemetery several days after the celebration to shoot + it was decorated with beautiful colourful religious decorations, floral arrangments, food offerings, as if the monuments themselves weren't beautiful enough. I was in awe. We weren't there long before it became almost unbearably hot to continue shooting in. It must be because of all the concrete or the reflecting off so much white + the entire place being surrounded by high, white, concrete walls, but it was easily 10-15 degrees hotter in that cemetery than outside of it + if you know me at all you know I'm one that rarely if ever complains of heat but sweating with a face full of makeup makes it even more uncomfortable. We got some beautiful shots though which we will show you all very soon.
  The last couple months of 2015 were lackluster + trying. I have been doing a few things here + there. I have been writing poetry since I was a young teen + started writing again about 2 years ago although I haven't shown it, i do want to share it with you all in some kind of beautiful way, I may release it as a book or maybe spoken word recordings. I also began writing book of my true love stories. It's extremely erotic, personal + details the unique stories of every man I've been in love with in my life. I wish I could somehow release it only to people who didn't know me but I can't... lord lucifer help me if my mother reads the thing! I've only just begun though, I hope finish it this year.
  2014 did show me something though, that I need stimulation + that act of being a work of art to survive. So after hitting another low, like winter usually does to me, I decided I need to get away + because I have some of the most beloved friends I could ever hope to have in Las Vegas right now, that's where I'm going. I'm so lucky to havea boyfriend that may not alway understand what i go through living the way I do but he understand enough to be happy to send me off for 2 months so that I can save my own life. I know that this trip alone is going to save me but it's a big step in the right direction. Hopefully being in Vegas will heed a  couple road trips to LA to visit some of my other favourite people, too. Who knows where this trip will take me but I know that I'm going to be the woman I used to be + take every opportunity + adventure offered to me because being fearless is what has always lead me to my happiest moments. Being the one that believes what others would dismiss as "too good to be true", believing that amazing events, people, + situations come into my life because I am no ordinary person, I am an amazing person attracting other amazing experiences. I lost that for a long time but there's a beautiful bud inside me just waiting for a little bit of nurturing to fully bloom again + the winter of my life will be over again at least for a time,



 

Gorgeous Geordie-Bounce from michael scorpio on Vimeo.


All my love,

Miss Horn

1.3.14

The Pain Project

Dearest Daemons,

This year has been a test of my strength + a lesson in whats important. I have always put my career before everything in my life. If I needed to do something often the people I love have suffered for it. In the beginning sometimes financially, now usually by taking the brunt of my stress, dealing with my absence, + feeling neglected. I feel like this might be why the chips have fallen in this particular fashion most recently.
I have suffered from severe depression since the age of 11 or 12. Soon followed by a diagnosis with panic disorder, later on generalized anxiety, + social anxiety. I experienced a 6 month long complete mental breakdown in 2008-2009 which left me more fragile than ever. Personally, I believe my soul is uncomfortable in a human body existing in this reality + therefore manifests in these types of human "diagnosis". I usually have a very clear winter/summer cycle. Winter I'm in full swing horror + summer I can get out + experience life again. This didn't happen this summer. I kept waiting for the weight to lift but summer grew warmer + I still had very little desire to do anything. I began to spiral downward. Everything that reminded me of being happy made me cry. I saw pictures of the ocean + it lead my to tears everytime. I thought a trip to Los Angeles would lift me up, but it only made things worse. It was a particularly disastrous trip ending a few friendships, physically being ill + took a toll on much more.
Now it's in the depths of winter + I'm still picking up the pieces. My life is not always how it looks in the public eye. I wanted to make this confession as a catharsis to myself but also maybe to help others. I am honest above all things + I never want to lie to my beautiful, supportive deamons + thats what I felt I was doing for a long time.
The Pain Project came as a result of all this. It was a truth I wanted to share. To show that no matter how successful, beautiful, loved, you are, things aren't always that perfect on the inside. My mental illness or spiritual illness has majorly impacted my career as well. I have not been performing because I haven't had the motivation to keep up all my business relationships, try to forge new ones, nor practice my craft.
I want to let you all know that your messages + extreme outpouring of support in response to the release of The Pain Project has meant more to me than any of you will ever know. Here are some beautiful quotes from responses:

"such a beautiful powerful woman should not be so sad but even in sadness you are beautiful"

"to see you make the best of bad is inspiring and probably the most creative project I've seen"

"Sharing this side of yourself shows how brave you really are"

"This is beautiful. As someone who deals with such illnesses I can't even imagine showing the world what I am at my weakest point."

And this particular quote came from a fellow Left Hand Path yogin who I feel understands the why of my illness more than anyone ever has from this quote:

"Goddess incarnate to men ov the world...
Every thing about a geisha life is life about art.
To be the absolute expression of feminine beauty.
To embrace it where ever it is, to breath it, speak it.
Leaving little trails and impressions on everyone that comes in contact
life is art at all costs.
When removed from the willow world the geisha is not understood not appreciated and seemingly useless to the the machine ov society.
When not in the role ov geisha, the geisha is a not a cog in the machine.
No longer a cog,  the artist is devoured by the machine ov society.
For the geisha to consider leaving the willow world, dealing with the civilians, as most would, seems an impossible task, that's because it is.
When every cell ov her being has been cultivated over the life time as art, as life continues, the geisha will continue...until death."
- Jenna Jyoti 

I have kept the quotes, except for the last + most meaningful, anonymous for obvious reasons. Here is my original statement from The Pain Project:

Dearest Daemons,
First of all I want to thank you all for being so supportive, loving + inspirational. I have been hiding a dark secret for sometime that I feel it is time to share, I suffer from severe clinical depression, a serious mental illness most people do not understand. I prefer to call it my spiritual illness because I feel like the intense energy of my soul has spent so much time in other dimensional realities that this manifestation on the earthly plain is difficult to cope with. The entire world seems built upside down. I have spent most of the past 6 months in bed or in meditation trying to figure out how to exist here, how to triumph, how to just be in a world + society that is built for people who can fit a mold. I simply not caple of degrading my being to say work a 9-5 job, enjoy going to bars + nightclubs, live in anything less than pure beauty. I am not saying that those of you functioning have degraded yourselves in anyway, I can respect people who can be happy fitting into a society built on money + honouring academia over art + spirituality. I just simply am not able to. I would rather pass out of this third dimensional reality than give up on my dream + live a "normal" life. 
I was having a particularly dark moment + talking to my partner + best friend, Michael Scorpio about how I wish he was in town more often so he could somehow document the tragedy + this + we could make something beautiful out of it but I can never predict when its going to hit hard. So in a particularly dark moment not one that is so uncommon, armed with nothing but my pain + my iphone I began snapping photos of one of these most painful moments I go through somewhat regularly in an attempt to show a vulnerability. To be the most romantic stories are always one with elements of tragedy + pain + that makes the beautiful moments that much more beautiful. So I present to you something that takes great courage for me to publish, The Pain Project:


For the rest of the images please visit my official website post:

http://madeleine-horn.com/news-and-events/the-pain-project

Thank you all for your ongoing support. It does help to know you are all around me, lifting me up. I believe I am getting better. I may never be free of this completely but any small moment of freedom from it is a blessing.

Infernally,

Miss Horn

4.6.13

Horn sigil scarification exclusive.

Dearest daemons,

  I have received several messages regarding the new scar that many of you noticed in this live photo from my recent performance at The Edmonton Tattoo & Arts Festival 2013.
photo by Anthony Black
  I had my sigil/logo/trademark symbol scarred into my sternum area mid April by Russ Foxx. I had Michael Scorpio photograph the entire thing. The photos had not been released because they had been submitted to several magazines with several less than favorable offers. These photos are so beautiful + I really wanted them to be featured in a magazine. I got several offers but these photos deserved a cover + full feature, anything less would not be acceptable nor honor the team. After careful contemplation I feel it only appropriate for me to release this documentation of a life changing event, myself. 
  It was a very busy day, we knew we wanted to shoot the wound fresh, so I had to be glammed up before my appointment, then I had my friends + recent co-collaborators, 3 Inches of Blood, in town playing a show so I knew directly after the shoot I'd have to head straight to the show. 
  I was fairly confident I would be able to handle the pain due to my mental state + my recent studies on the gateway of pain + meditation on the subject. Russ placed the stencil + it was dead center perfect the first try. I laid down, we had some music playing, but I could never tell you what it was now. At this point my nerves started to kick in. I could feel the slight tingle of fear + anticipation from my forehead down into my toes. 
  Russ started to make the first cut + I was fine. Both Russ + Michael looked at me with surprise + announced I was not bleeding... at all. I was afraid this would happen. I wanted it to bleed for the photos. I wanted it to drip down + add vibrant colour to the images but no such luck. /This is a strange phenomena I have discovered with certain people who have something in common that I wont get into right now. I barely bled. As it went on it slowly got more painful, or maybe it didn't but my tolerance + strength slowly drained. I began to twitch + tear up. Eventually I would be full blown shaking with tears streaming down my face. 
the first cut by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

Surgical precision by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

Detailing by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

  There is nothing quite like having a scalpel cut inside another cut with no freezing. It sets off all kinds of natural alarm defenses in the brain. I went into a dopey state. I felt like I was drunk. The chemicals my brain had released really were like nothing else I had experienced. The best way I can describe it is like somewhere in between being drunk + stoned only a little bit cleaner.
Entering the gateway of pain by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

Trying to make the blood flow by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

finished by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

The money angle all photos by Michael Scorpio

When Russ finally gave me the word we were all done I breathed a sigh of relief + stood in front of the mirror. I was so happy + amazed with the precision. Michael had the lighting semi set already so I did some poses, we took some test shots, decided  on the lighting we likes + shot away. Soon after I got taped up + we all headed to the 3 Inches of Blood show. 

Madelina Horn + Russ Foxx photographed by Michael Scorpio

  
  It has been over a month now since it was done + it has healed beautifully. Keloiding only slightly + completely evenly. I am so happy with it. The only thing I had not considered was how painful overstretching the area would be after the fact. I waited almost a week after the procedure to resume aerial training + yoga practice. Backbends + any poses where my abdomen stretches extensively are still extremely painful. It feels as if the scar is ripping open again every time. I hope this stops soon but I have no idea how long that will take to subside.










  I would like to thank Russ Foxx for doing such a wonderful job + for being such a wonderful creative spirit in this world. Also, my partner, photographer, Michael Scorpio for his patience with my sometimes moody state during our shoots + somehow still making me laugh + look beautiful. Also special thanx to Crimson Empire in Edmonton for hosting this event. 
  I really hope you all find it as beautiful as I do. 

Sinfully,

Miss Horn

11.1.13

2012

I had a really fun, completely out of control, circus of a birthday party. I got to go to LA for a month. Performing the Albertabound Calgary tattoo convention + Laced Up by my love Sweet Carousel were so wonderful. Those are the only good things to come of 2012.
2012 was a struggle of a year with a lack of art, inspiration, love, wellbeing,... everything really. It was horrible I felt drained of my power for most of it. I'm ready to reclaim + dominate, so beware! I'm hungry for creations, travel, adventure, love, abundance!



That is a quick video from my birthday party. What a night! It's 2013 + I'm so excited for this year. Especially since it began with the much anticipated creation + release of my sigil(logo). 


So here we go BC, Mexico, Vegas, Hollywood + I can't wait to see what more! 

Here's to a magikal beginning!

Yours Infernally,

Miss Horn 


11.6.12

Beauty tips from Hell...

Dearest daemons,

This one is mostly for the girls although I know some glamourous boys as well who might appreciate a tip or two. I gets asked about my beauty routine all the time so I thought I would share some tips I swear by.
1. WATER; Obviously. I shouldn't have to tell you but 2 litres a day will keep your cells refreshed. If you get really ambitious up it to 4. The more water you consume, the less you retain.
2. Always wash off you makeup before you go to bed. I am guilty of the odd night partying later, crashing on a couch, + waking up with my full face on + that icky layer of grease. Avoid this as much as possible, your body is extra vulnerable during sleep + more likely to absorb the toxins sitting on the surface.
3. Alcohol, Cigarettes, + Sugar are your skin's worst enemy. They all promote inflammation which causes tiny blemishes that may have healed to flare up + erupt into monstrosities, forget if you have skin conditions such as rosacea or psoriasis, or stomach ulcers. All things in moderation, try not to worry if you are indulging. Your body's immune system can counter act the odd party if it's kept strong + healthy the vast majority of the time + thoughts have frequency so don't put worrisome thoughts out when you should be enjoying your naughty indulgence. If it makes you feel better, counter act your bad girl ways the day after by loading up on ginger, a natural anti inflammatory.
4. Treat your skin to a nice ancient beauty potion once a week. The recipe as follows:
1 part organic lemon juice
1 part organic apple cider vinegar
1 part unpasteurized organic honey
1 part green tea powder
1 part fine ground oats (I put regular cooking oats in a coffee grinder until fine)

This is full of antixidants, antibacterials, skin lighteners, humectants, + antiinflammatories. You can also add some regular white sugar to make it a scrub. Usually what goes on your skin should be just as good for your insides, sugar is one of the few exceptions; bad for the inside but good for the outside!
5. I use bare minerals powder foundation but a lot of people want fuller coverage. For video + photoshoots I wear MAC liquid foundation mixed with my moisturizer, underneath my powder foundation. This acts as a base coat + primer. Always set your makeup with a translucent powder. I am a major advocate of highlighting. A lot of people ask how I get such a glow to my skin, I've never been one to like a matte finish. I use a shimmery nude eyeshadow usually to highlight my nose, cheekbones, chin + brow bones. This can add so much to people if done properly.
6. Exfoliate your entire body once a week, be careful w/ the delicate skin on your chest though. Even your armpits! Your skin with shed + regenerate new fresh skin faster.
7. Massage you scalp to stimulate blood flow + help your hair grow faster. Wash your hair as little as possible. Twice a week is too much for most people. Once a week is sufficient. This might be difficult at first because your oil glands are over active from over stripping your skin constantly but after the first month your scalp will adapt + begin to secrete much less sebum. Condition your ends every time you shower.
8. Do yoga or at least stretch! Creating space within the body reflects in creating freedom in your life. Also, the more motion + control you have over your body the sexier you will feel. If you cannot touch your toes you have serious work to do!
9. Less is more when it comes to showing skin. That may sound strange coming from a stripper but if in doubt show less. There is nothing worse than a girl who looks cheap. Choose your best asset + showcase it. Don't wear a tube top w/ booty shorts unless you are Pamela Anderson, at a fetish party, or onstage. That being said I am all for experiementing with fashion. I would rather see more people dressed as the crazy man downtown who wears thongs over spandex, than the average Walmart goer in sweatpants + a tshirt. Put your personality out there, just be aware of your body type + stick with what flatters.

A few things, I thought could help!

I love you daemons!

Infernally,

Miss Horn