The Pain Project

Dearest Daemons,

This year has been a test of my strength + a lesson in whats important. I have always put my career before everything in my life. If I needed to do something often the people I love have suffered for it. In the beginning sometimes financially, now usually by taking the brunt of my stress, dealing with my absence, + feeling neglected. I feel like this might be why the chips have fallen in this particular fashion most recently.
I have suffered from severe depression since the age of 11 or 12. Soon followed by a diagnosis with panic disorder, later on generalized anxiety, + social anxiety. I experienced a 6 month long complete mental breakdown in 2008-2009 which left me more fragile than ever. Personally, I believe my soul is uncomfortable in a human body existing in this reality + therefore manifests in these types of human "diagnosis". I usually have a very clear winter/summer cycle. Winter I'm in full swing horror + summer I can get out + experience life again. This didn't happen this summer. I kept waiting for the weight to lift but summer grew warmer + I still had very little desire to do anything. I began to spiral downward. Everything that reminded me of being happy made me cry. I saw pictures of the ocean + it lead my to tears everytime. I thought a trip to Los Angeles would lift me up, but it only made things worse. It was a particularly disastrous trip ending a few friendships, physically being ill + took a toll on much more.
Now it's in the depths of winter + I'm still picking up the pieces. My life is not always how it looks in the public eye. I wanted to make this confession as a catharsis to myself but also maybe to help others. I am honest above all things + I never want to lie to my beautiful, supportive deamons + thats what I felt I was doing for a long time.
The Pain Project came as a result of all this. It was a truth I wanted to share. To show that no matter how successful, beautiful, loved, you are, things aren't always that perfect on the inside. My mental illness or spiritual illness has majorly impacted my career as well. I have not been performing because I haven't had the motivation to keep up all my business relationships, try to forge new ones, nor practice my craft.
I want to let you all know that your messages + extreme outpouring of support in response to the release of The Pain Project has meant more to me than any of you will ever know. Here are some beautiful quotes from responses:

"such a beautiful powerful woman should not be so sad but even in sadness you are beautiful"

"to see you make the best of bad is inspiring and probably the most creative project I've seen"

"Sharing this side of yourself shows how brave you really are"

"This is beautiful. As someone who deals with such illnesses I can't even imagine showing the world what I am at my weakest point."

And this particular quote came from a fellow Left Hand Path yogin who I feel understands the why of my illness more than anyone ever has from this quote:

"Goddess incarnate to men ov the world...
Every thing about a geisha life is life about art.
To be the absolute expression of feminine beauty.
To embrace it where ever it is, to breath it, speak it.
Leaving little trails and impressions on everyone that comes in contact
life is art at all costs.
When removed from the willow world the geisha is not understood not appreciated and seemingly useless to the the machine ov society.
When not in the role ov geisha, the geisha is a not a cog in the machine.
No longer a cog,  the artist is devoured by the machine ov society.
For the geisha to consider leaving the willow world, dealing with the civilians, as most would, seems an impossible task, that's because it is.
When every cell ov her being has been cultivated over the life time as art, as life continues, the geisha will continue...until death."
- Jenna Jyoti 

I have kept the quotes, except for the last + most meaningful, anonymous for obvious reasons. Here is my original statement from The Pain Project:

Dearest Daemons,

First of all I want to thank you all for being so supportive, loving + inspirational. I have been hiding a dark secret for sometime that I feel it is time to share, I suffer from severe clinical depression, a serious mental illness most people do not understand. I prefer to call it my spiritual illness because I feel like the intense energy of my soul has spent so much time in other dimensional realities that this manifestation on the earthly plain is difficult to cope with. The entire world seems built upside down. I have spent most of the past 6 months in bed or in meditation trying to figure out how to exist here, how to triumph, how to just be in a world + society that is built for people who can fit a mold. I simply not caple of degrading my being to say work a 9-5 job, enjoy going to bars + nightclubs, live in anything less than pure beauty. I am not saying that those of you functioning have degraded yourselves in anyway, I can respect people who can be happy fitting into a society built on money + honouring academia over art + spirituality. I just simply am not able to. I would rather pass out of this third dimensional reality than give up on my dream + live a "normal" life. 

I was having a particularly dark moment + talking to my partner + best friend, Michael Scorpio about how I wish he was in town more often so he could somehow document the tragedy + this + we could make something beautiful out of it but I can never predict when its going to hit hard. So in a particularly dark moment not one that is so uncommon, armed with nothing but my pain + my iphone I began snapping photos of one of these most painful moments I go through somewhat regularly in an attempt to show a vulnerability. To be the most romantic stories are always one with elements of tragedy + pain + that makes the beautiful moments that much more beautiful. So I present to you something that takes great courage for me to publish, The Pain Project:

For the rest of the images please visit my official website post:

http://madeleine-horn.com/news-and-events/the-pain-project

Thank you all for your ongoing support. It does help to know you are all around me, lifting me up. I believe I am getting better. I may never be free of this completely but any small moment of freedom from it is a blessing.

Infernally,

Miss Horn

Just because I'm the Devil doesn't mean I'm easy.

Easy can be used in a variety of ways to describe a person; easy-going, easy to please, or just plain easy. None of these, in which, describe me. I have high standards, am high-strung, and (admittedly) high-maintenance. So why is it that men seem to think they can make a few sexual comments + get in my panties? To a certain extent I can only expect so much from a general population who only know me as being in little or no clothing. I am not concerned with comments about my T + A on images online, in fact I appreciate them in their own way. However, in person, being serious, such remarks are far less charming. Why would any man think a woman who puts so much effort + hard work into herself, is easy?
I was seeing someone last year briefly + we had a steamy encounter, that I stopped early because I was uncomfortable sleeping with someone at that point in the courtship process. He fired at me calling me a christian + asking how could I be such a "prude" when I follow the path of the Devil. This is not the first time this type of argument has come up for me. Before I get into why my values fit into my belief system let me just save some of you men some time + tell you that you can not argue a woman into bed. You're only decreasing you chances of ever getting there by trying. Now, I am a satanist, which means I am Satan. I strive to be great, the best, treat my body as the dark temple it is, + hold myself to the highest standards. That being said, why would I expect anything less than this in a mate? Yes, I am hedonistic + indulgent but not in any ways that are self destructive because that would be weak + weakness is the ultimate Satanic "sin." Should I not expect a man to show that he is evolved + intelligent enough to hold a conversation with me, instead of just making some obvious remark about my tits? Should I not guage his reaction in a variety of environments + situations to make sure we will get along? Should I not expect to be respected + worshiped in the same way I do myself, by a potential mate?
I find men to respond better to simple instructions. Here are some simple dating rules when pursuing a woman:
- It's okay to talk about sex after you become comfortable with a woman in conversation but don't reference sex as actually happenning between the two of you. You shouldn't ask personal questions about what a woman likes in bed, nor suggest what you're "good" at sexually, nor speak explicitly sexual to her in any way until you're already in bed together.
- It's okay to touch a woman, if you're getting flirtatious signals from her, but never grab anywhere that might get you slapped until she tells you too. Nothing smells of more desperation than a man slapping a woman's ass or asking to see her boobs when she's hasn't even noticed you yet. This is not a way to get noticed either, you might end up getting slapped, or punched.
- Never ask or tell a woman you want to have sex with her until you already have. Although you may think you're portraying confidence, you're actually coming off as a horny douchebag. No woman wants to feel like she's an "option." She wants to feel like she's the only one in the room you can see.
- Be a gentleman. Chivalry is alive + kicking in some men. Those men are your competition. Opening a door for a woman is much more charming that drunkenly talking about her ass in front of her.
Now, there are many woman of our generation that are easy. There's nothing wrong with that. If someone wants to indulge in pleasure + has no need for a more fulfilling connection to get it, than I support it completely. I am not one of those woman. I am a prize + if you want to win, you have to prove you're worthy + go through the obstacles to prove it. These tips I've stated will make you more appealing to either type of woman. Never assume what type of woman someone is by their style of clothing, choice of career, spirituality, etc. Just approach them all as if they're ladies, queens, goddesses. If you are a king you should be happy to work for a woman worthy of sharing your crown.

Infernally,

Miss Horn