The Pain Project

Dearest Daemons,

This year has been a test of my strength + a lesson in whats important. I have always put my career before everything in my life. If I needed to do something often the people I love have suffered for it. In the beginning sometimes financially, now usually by taking the brunt of my stress, dealing with my absence, + feeling neglected. I feel like this might be why the chips have fallen in this particular fashion most recently.
I have suffered from severe depression since the age of 11 or 12. Soon followed by a diagnosis with panic disorder, later on generalized anxiety, + social anxiety. I experienced a 6 month long complete mental breakdown in 2008-2009 which left me more fragile than ever. Personally, I believe my soul is uncomfortable in a human body existing in this reality + therefore manifests in these types of human "diagnosis". I usually have a very clear winter/summer cycle. Winter I'm in full swing horror + summer I can get out + experience life again. This didn't happen this summer. I kept waiting for the weight to lift but summer grew warmer + I still had very little desire to do anything. I began to spiral downward. Everything that reminded me of being happy made me cry. I saw pictures of the ocean + it lead my to tears everytime. I thought a trip to Los Angeles would lift me up, but it only made things worse. It was a particularly disastrous trip ending a few friendships, physically being ill + took a toll on much more.
Now it's in the depths of winter + I'm still picking up the pieces. My life is not always how it looks in the public eye. I wanted to make this confession as a catharsis to myself but also maybe to help others. I am honest above all things + I never want to lie to my beautiful, supportive deamons + thats what I felt I was doing for a long time.
The Pain Project came as a result of all this. It was a truth I wanted to share. To show that no matter how successful, beautiful, loved, you are, things aren't always that perfect on the inside. My mental illness or spiritual illness has majorly impacted my career as well. I have not been performing because I haven't had the motivation to keep up all my business relationships, try to forge new ones, nor practice my craft.
I want to let you all know that your messages + extreme outpouring of support in response to the release of The Pain Project has meant more to me than any of you will ever know. Here are some beautiful quotes from responses:

"such a beautiful powerful woman should not be so sad but even in sadness you are beautiful"

"to see you make the best of bad is inspiring and probably the most creative project I've seen"

"Sharing this side of yourself shows how brave you really are"

"This is beautiful. As someone who deals with such illnesses I can't even imagine showing the world what I am at my weakest point."

And this particular quote came from a fellow Left Hand Path yogin who I feel understands the why of my illness more than anyone ever has from this quote:

"Goddess incarnate to men ov the world...
Every thing about a geisha life is life about art.
To be the absolute expression of feminine beauty.
To embrace it where ever it is, to breath it, speak it.
Leaving little trails and impressions on everyone that comes in contact
life is art at all costs.
When removed from the willow world the geisha is not understood not appreciated and seemingly useless to the the machine ov society.
When not in the role ov geisha, the geisha is a not a cog in the machine.
No longer a cog,  the artist is devoured by the machine ov society.
For the geisha to consider leaving the willow world, dealing with the civilians, as most would, seems an impossible task, that's because it is.
When every cell ov her being has been cultivated over the life time as art, as life continues, the geisha will continue...until death."
- Jenna Jyoti 

I have kept the quotes, except for the last + most meaningful, anonymous for obvious reasons. Here is my original statement from The Pain Project:

Dearest Daemons,

First of all I want to thank you all for being so supportive, loving + inspirational. I have been hiding a dark secret for sometime that I feel it is time to share, I suffer from severe clinical depression, a serious mental illness most people do not understand. I prefer to call it my spiritual illness because I feel like the intense energy of my soul has spent so much time in other dimensional realities that this manifestation on the earthly plain is difficult to cope with. The entire world seems built upside down. I have spent most of the past 6 months in bed or in meditation trying to figure out how to exist here, how to triumph, how to just be in a world + society that is built for people who can fit a mold. I simply not caple of degrading my being to say work a 9-5 job, enjoy going to bars + nightclubs, live in anything less than pure beauty. I am not saying that those of you functioning have degraded yourselves in anyway, I can respect people who can be happy fitting into a society built on money + honouring academia over art + spirituality. I just simply am not able to. I would rather pass out of this third dimensional reality than give up on my dream + live a "normal" life. 

I was having a particularly dark moment + talking to my partner + best friend, Michael Scorpio about how I wish he was in town more often so he could somehow document the tragedy + this + we could make something beautiful out of it but I can never predict when its going to hit hard. So in a particularly dark moment not one that is so uncommon, armed with nothing but my pain + my iphone I began snapping photos of one of these most painful moments I go through somewhat regularly in an attempt to show a vulnerability. To be the most romantic stories are always one with elements of tragedy + pain + that makes the beautiful moments that much more beautiful. So I present to you something that takes great courage for me to publish, The Pain Project:

For the rest of the images please visit my official website post:

http://madeleine-horn.com/news-and-events/the-pain-project

Thank you all for your ongoing support. It does help to know you are all around me, lifting me up. I believe I am getting better. I may never be free of this completely but any small moment of freedom from it is a blessing.

Infernally,

Miss Horn

Horn sigil scarification exclusive.

Dearest daemons,

  I have received several messages regarding the new scar that many of you noticed in this live photo from my recent performance at The Edmonton Tattoo & Arts Festival 2013.

photo by Anthony Black

  I had my sigil/logo/trademark symbol scarred into my sternum area mid April by Russ Foxx. I had Michael Scorpio photograph the entire thing. The photos had not been released because they had been submitted to several magazines with several less than favorable offers. These photos are so beautiful + I really wanted them to be featured in a magazine. I got several offers but these photos deserved a cover + full feature, anything less would not be acceptable nor honor the team. After careful contemplation I feel it only appropriate for me to release this documentation of a life changing event, myself. 

  It was a very busy day, we knew we wanted to shoot the wound fresh, so I had to be glammed up before my appointment, then I had my friends + recent co-collaborators, 3 Inches of Blood, in town playing a show so I knew directly after the shoot I'd have to head straight to the show. 

  I was fairly confident I would be able to handle the pain due to my mental state + my recent studies on the gateway of pain + meditation on the subject. Russ placed the stencil + it was dead center perfect the first try. I laid down, we had some music playing, but I could never tell you what it was now. At this point my nerves started to kick in. I could feel the slight tingle of fear + anticipation from my forehead down into my toes. 

  Russ started to make the first cut + I was fine. Both Russ + Michael looked at me with surprise + announced I was not bleeding... at all. I was afraid this would happen. I wanted it to bleed for the photos. I wanted it to drip down + add vibrant colour to the images but no such luck. /This is a strange phenomena I have discovered with certain people who have something in common that I wont get into right now. I barely bled. As it went on it slowly got more painful, or maybe it didn't but my tolerance + strength slowly drained. I began to twitch + tear up. Eventually I would be full blown shaking with tears streaming down my face. 

the first cut by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

Surgical precision by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

Detailing by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

  There is nothing quite like having a scalpel cut inside another cut with no freezing. It sets off all kinds of natural alarm defenses in the brain. I went into a dopey state. I felt like I was drunk. The chemicals my brain had released really were like nothing else I had experienced. The best way I can describe it is like somewhere in between being drunk + stoned only a little bit cleaner.

Entering the gateway of pain by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

Trying to make the blood flow by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

finished by Russ Foxx photo by Michael Scorpio

The money angle all photos by Michael Scorpio

When Russ finally gave me the word we were all done I breathed a sigh of relief + stood in front of the mirror. I was so happy + amazed with the precision. Michael had the lighting semi set already so I did some poses, we took some test shots, decided  on the lighting we likes + shot away. Soon after I got taped up + we all headed to the 3 Inches of Blood show. 

Madelina Horn + Russ Foxx photographed by Michael Scorpio

  

  It has been over a month now since it was done + it has healed beautifully. Keloiding only slightly + completely evenly. I am so happy with it. The only thing I had not considered was how painful overstretching the area would be after the fact. I waited almost a week after the procedure to resume aerial training + yoga practice. Backbends + any poses where my abdomen stretches extensively are still extremely painful. It feels as if the scar is ripping open again every time. I hope this stops soon but I have no idea how long that will take to subside.

  I would like to thank Russ Foxx for doing such a wonderful job + for being such a wonderful creative spirit in this world. Also, my partner, photographer, Michael Scorpio for his patience with my sometimes moody state during our shoots + somehow still making me laugh + look beautiful. Also special thanx to Crimson Empire in Edmonton for hosting this event. 

  I really hope you all find it as beautiful as I do. 

Sinfully,

Miss Horn

2012

I had a really fun, completely out of control, circus of a birthday party. I got to go to LA for a month. Performing the Albertabound Calgary tattoo convention + Laced Up by my love Sweet Carousel were so wonderful. Those are the only good things to come of 2012.

2012 was a struggle of a year with a lack of art, inspiration, love, wellbeing,... everything really. It was horrible I felt drained of my power for most of it. I'm ready to reclaim + dominate, so beware! I'm hungry for creations, travel, adventure, love, abundance!

That is a quick video from my birthday party. What a night! It's 2013 + I'm so excited for this year. Especially since it began with the much anticipated creation + release of my sigil(logo). 

So here we go BC, Mexico, Vegas, Hollywood + I can't wait to see what more! 

Here's to a magikal beginning!

Yours Infernally,

Miss Horn 

Beauty tips from Hell...

Dearest daemons,

This one is mostly for the girls although I know some glamourous boys as well who might appreciate a tip or two. I gets asked about my beauty routine all the time so I thought I would share some tips I swear by.
1. WATER; Obviously. I shouldn't have to tell you but 2 litres a day will keep your cells refreshed. If you get really ambitious up it to 4. The more water you consume, the less you retain.
2. Always wash off you makeup before you go to bed. I am guilty of the odd night partying later, crashing on a couch, + waking up with my full face on + that icky layer of grease. Avoid this as much as possible, your body is extra vulnerable during sleep + more likely to absorb the toxins sitting on the surface.
3. Alcohol, Cigarettes, + Sugar are your skin's worst enemy. They all promote inflammation which causes tiny blemishes that may have healed to flare up + erupt into monstrosities, forget if you have skin conditions such as rosacea or psoriasis, or stomach ulcers. All things in moderation, try not to worry if you are indulging. Your body's immune system can counter act the odd party if it's kept strong + healthy the vast majority of the time + thoughts have frequency so don't put worrisome thoughts out when you should be enjoying your naughty indulgence. If it makes you feel better, counter act your bad girl ways the day after by loading up on ginger, a natural anti inflammatory.
4. Treat your skin to a nice ancient beauty potion once a week. The recipe as follows:
1 part organic lemon juice
1 part organic apple cider vinegar
1 part unpasteurized organic honey
1 part green tea powder
1 part fine ground oats (I put regular cooking oats in a coffee grinder until fine)

This is full of antixidants, antibacterials, skin lighteners, humectants, + antiinflammatories. You can also add some regular white sugar to make it a scrub. Usually what goes on your skin should be just as good for your insides, sugar is one of the few exceptions; bad for the inside but good for the outside!
5. I use bare minerals powder foundation but a lot of people want fuller coverage. For video + photoshoots I wear MAC liquid foundation mixed with my moisturizer, underneath my powder foundation. This acts as a base coat + primer. Always set your makeup with a translucent powder. I am a major advocate of highlighting. A lot of people ask how I get such a glow to my skin, I've never been one to like a matte finish. I use a shimmery nude eyeshadow usually to highlight my nose, cheekbones, chin + brow bones. This can add so much to people if done properly.
6. Exfoliate your entire body once a week, be careful w/ the delicate skin on your chest though. Even your armpits! Your skin with shed + regenerate new fresh skin faster.
7. Massage you scalp to stimulate blood flow + help your hair grow faster. Wash your hair as little as possible. Twice a week is too much for most people. Once a week is sufficient. This might be difficult at first because your oil glands are over active from over stripping your skin constantly but after the first month your scalp will adapt + begin to secrete much less sebum. Condition your ends every time you shower.
8. Do yoga or at least stretch! Creating space within the body reflects in creating freedom in your life. Also, the more motion + control you have over your body the sexier you will feel. If you cannot touch your toes you have serious work to do!
9. Less is more when it comes to showing skin. That may sound strange coming from a stripper but if in doubt show less. There is nothing worse than a girl who looks cheap. Choose your best asset + showcase it. Don't wear a tube top w/ booty shorts unless you are Pamela Anderson, at a fetish party, or onstage. That being said I am all for experiementing with fashion. I would rather see more people dressed as the crazy man downtown who wears thongs over spandex, than the average Walmart goer in sweatpants + a tshirt. Put your personality out there, just be aware of your body type + stick with what flatters.

A few things, I thought could help!

I love you daemons!

Infernally,

Miss Horn

Why did you break up your relationship with a scorpion male? I'm asking because I dated with a scorpion guy and I'd like to understand more the scorpion mind... Kisses honey!

I have dated two Scorpios, both of which ended for technical reasons + were never really allowed to reach the potential of the relationship. These were actually the two most painful heartbreaks I've ever had probably because I knew they could have been great if it weren't for career, financial, + long distance issues. I easily think I could end up with a Scorpio, they can match my intensity + the sex is the best I have ever experienced.

what you dare...

Would you describe yourself as a feminist?

In the way of supporting all that is feminine yes. Trying to prove I can be better at a man at everything, no. I love being a woman + embrace many traditional gender roles which some might consider misogynistic in terms of feminism but I find natural + comfortable.

what you dare...

Question. Are you nazi/ support that kind of stuff? I ask this becuase on your tumblr you reblogged SS military outfit pictures.

I love the visual aesthetic of the Nazis. I by no means support mass genocide or prejudice based on race, culture, gender, or sexual preference. Without going into a short novel, I am not a Nazi, I simply have a fetish for the uniform.

what you dare...